Lets not beat around the bush, you don't deal with grief. It doesn't get 'easier', you just get a hell of a lot stronger.
Grief is something we all go through, be it a death of a loved one, a friendship that has fallen apart or a relationship that has ended. We grieve and its only natural.
The past 6 months have been extremely rough, which is why I feel open and confident enough to be able to share this with you. I've been on this incredibly challenging, exhausting emotional roller coaster so I'm sharing with you a few home truths, how to accept your grief and hopefully someone, somewhere will find what I have to say inspiring, motivational or even an eye opener to the situations around them so they can challenge whatever is hurting them inside.
I am extremely lucky to take after my Mother, she has this innate ability to be able to pick herself up from the very bottom and get herself get back on track to where she needs to be. And I hope someone after reading this, is able to pick themselves up, dust themselves off and become the best they can be.
The one thing I wish someone had told me when I was hurting is...
"Sometimes you end up never speaking to someone who meant the world to you again. And that's okay. You cope and you survive. Don't let your losses keep you back from new gains"
Know that whatever is hurting you right now, the worst of it has already gone or its happening right now. I bet your chests tight, your stomachs in knots, the lump in your throat just keeps getting bigger, you're finding it hard to keep your composure and at any little given moment you're going to snap. Take a backseat, close your eyes and breathe deeply, count to ten and when you open your eyes you are going to boss whatever you're doing today.
Lets not kid ourselves, grief is the most unimaginable pain a person can go through. It doesn't get easier, 10, 20 years down the line those special dates, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries you will still shed a tear and that's perfectly normal.
“You’ve got to trust yourself. Be gentle with yourself. And listen to yourself. You’re the only person who can get you through this now. You’re the only one who can survive your story, the only one who can write your future. All you’ve got to do, when you’re ready, is stand up, {and begin again.}”
― Tessa Shaffer, Heaven Has No Regrets
Grief comes in five stages and unfortunately, we have to go through each one until we come out the other side stronger.
- Denial - Life makes no sense, you're numb, empty, you're wondering how and if you can go on. At this moment everything is meaningless. Take each hour as it comes, that's all you can do at first, take an hour, turn it into two. You get through it, you survive. The hours will soon turn to taking each day as it comes. These feelings of grief are immensely overwhelming, but think of it as the feelings and emotions you are going through, is your body's way of telling you how much you can take, which is an awful lot. You become stronger everyday.
- Anger - Anger is something that sometimes can feel endless, I know for me it was. Underneath anger is always pain, you feel abandoned, at this moment in time your anger is your strength, embrace it. It shows how much you truly loved that person and we hold onto this anger so that we still have a connection with our loved one.
- Bargaining - Before loosing someone, many people, even the people that aren't religious turn to God, you say to Him, "Please God, I'll do anything, but please don't take them from me". You constantly bargain with yourself, the "what if's" that go through your head, the "if I had just done this differently, things would be different". We all want to go back in time and we find faults within ourselves to cope with this.
- Depression - We are now focusing on the present, the here and now. Here is where your grief is at the deepest, almost as if you are left in a deep thick fog and can't find your way out. The loss of a loved one is an extremely depressing situation, do let let anyone say to you "snap out of it" when you are ready, when you are able to heal it when you are able to pick yourself back up. This is normally when you come to terms with your loss.
- Acceptance - You accept that your loved one isn't coming back. You understand and accept that physically, they are gone. We learn to live with it, its not normal, but its a new normal for us. We have to readjust and adapt to life without them. You can never replace someone you have lost, nor would you want to, but we do change, we grow and we become stronger and we start to live our lives again.
"Don't let fear of loss, or the losses themselves, take away your ability to enjoy the wonderful life that is yours.” Barbara Cooper
Sometimes our bad days turn into bad weeks, bad months and we continue like that. You need to step up, be the person you needed when you were younger, be the person you need when you are hurting, because if you don't look out for yourself, who else will? No one but you can make the pain go away.
Force yourself to have a positive attitude on life, do your loved one proud, become the best you can be knowing that they will be watching down on you smiling.
Grief is love's unwillingness to let go.
Friendships and relationships
Sometimes when someone leaves, the grief is worse because that person has chosen to leave, they have not been taken. You go through the same process, the same stages of grief.
You have to teach yourself that you deserve better. You have to find the strength in you to walk away from the people that don't treat you right. So many people talk to others as if they are better than them and being made to feel as if you're not good enough, or that you're beneath someone else is emotional abuse. Many people don't even know that they are being emotionally abusive, but if your partner, friend, boss WHOEVER is making you feel any of the following, I hope you find the strength to walk away.
- Embarrassed or humiliated
- Putting you down
- Refusing to talk to you
- Ignoring or excluding you
- Provocative behaviour with the opposite sex
- Being sarcastic and the use of an unpleasant tone when they talk to you (or at you)
- Unreasonable jealousy
- Extreme moodiness
- Nasty jokes about you, or making fun
- "If you don't (example - wash up)... I will ____"
- Saying "I love you but.."
- Being in control, dominance
- Guilt trips
- Makes everything your fault
- Withdraws their affection
- Isolating you from your friends and family
- Uses money to control you
- Threatening to commit suicide if you leave
Many people sadly don't have good intentions, but with emotional abuse, it may just be their way of staying in control and they won't see or understand what they're doing to you emotionally. This doesn't make it okay.
Always walk away. However find it in your heart to forgive them. Even if they don't say sorry, even if their apologies are empty and meaningless, you'll feel much better being at peace with yourself. You have no time for negativity in your life and no one deserves to have it in their lives.
Put yourself first and look after yourself because your body and your mind is the only home you will ever have, don't let anyone else ruin your sanctuary.
One thing that keeps me strong is thinking to myself, how amazing is it that the best days of our lives haven't happened yet, don't kick it in now, don't give up, keep pushing.
"Let it hurt, let is bleed, let it heal and let it go"
